Daughters Of Shame

Just caught my friend reading this book and she recommended it for reading.The book is a non-fiction written by Jasvinder Sanghera ,whose first book on the same lines, Shame was a best seller.

 Book Review 

Title: Daughters of Shame

Author- Jasvinder Sanghera

Genre: Non-fiction

'Daughters of Shame' tells us about the atrocities faced by young married and unmarried girls under the guise of family honour and traditional values.It is shocking to know that people from the so-called educated and reputable families in the west treat their women so inhumanely.These families who originally belong to India and Pakistan try uphold their traditional upbringing in the western society they reside in.There is a plethora of problems in doing this as the young girls who are surrounded by the western influences and culture prevalent around them are confused about their identity and find it difficult to co-relate with the traditional values and submissive culture while being bombarded each day with the open and permissive values of the west.

Some of the real life incidents gave me goose bumps like the one which depicts how a father brutally attacked and killed his teenage daughter when she expressed her desire to marry a westerner.The father,in the name of family honour ,stabs her about 26 times and the attack is so brutal that the knife too bends.There are many such instances that portray how families subjugate their young daughters behind the closed doors and try to get them married forcibly at a young age without allowing them to decide for themselves.Even after the forced marriage the ill-treatment of the young bride continues in her in-laws house and she surrenders to the atrocities meekly.

A few among these young girls are helped by the social organisation started by Jasvinder Sanghera who herself went against her family to marry a man of her choice.All the incidents are a part of the efforts taken by the organisation to help these girls fight back and lead a life of their own without being subjugated by their family.It is a book that brings hope to the many young women out there who are fighting alone for an identity for themselves.It is inspiring and at the same time depressing to know about the problems faced by the girls living in a mixed social set-up.

Frankly speaking,after reading the book I decided to read something more positive and picked up the book 'A Cup of Comfort for Teachers',a book which is a part of the series which tells us inspiring stories that gives us hope.I do not intend to read the book 'Shame' by the same authoress as I have read enough about the pain and want to read about positive stories now.

Be What YOU Wanna Be

'After years of rigorous research,scientists have finally found the key to happiness. 

Its called Being Yourself .'
I read this on a social site recently and how I loved it!

In our life time we have to deal with people at all walks of life and while doing so we tend to try and appease  everyone.We are afraid to hurt the feelings of others or do or say something that may be disliked by the rest.The seeds of doing what others want us to do is sowed right from our childhood.I am not saying that it is a wrong thing to obey our parents,they do know what is best for us.

Later on it is our friends who influence how we think and what we do.At school too, our classmates are a growing influence on us during our wonder years as we want to belong to the group and do not want to be taunted or ridiculed for not behaving like the in - crowd. Sadly,throughout our growing years we are taught what to think instead of being taught how to think.

We are taught not to question and to accept everything told to us without putting forth our viewpoints on the same.This continues throughout our life and we become mere followers and not trend setters.We flow with the crowd and lose ourselves in the crowd thus failing to carve a niche for our self identity and realizing our true self. We fail to speak out our mind,we fail to do as we want to,we fail to go where we want to......... We fail to be ourselves.

The sadder part is that while we become a part of the milling crowd,we start opposing anyone who refuses to be a part of the same crowd.We detest and try to pull down anyone who is trying to be his/her own self and is trying to create an identity of his/her own.If this continues very soon we will have only clones who blindly follow others without thinking.

Thankfully this is not to be.There are so many thinking people out there who,in spite of all the hurdles they face,walk down the untrodden ways.These are the people who think and reason and use their minds and thinking skills without accepting the thoughts of others blindly.I salute and admire the guts of such people who are the main reason why there is a change for the better in our society.They are the ones who question the unwanted beliefs and traditions that hamper our growth as a society.They face a lot of flak and have to suffer great ridicule and sometimes even pay with their lives.The most recent case in point being the one where Dr. Dabholkar , a social activist who was fighting for the Bill against black magic and superstition was shot dead at Pune.

It is not only about superstitious beliefs or traditions,even our mundane life is under the shadow of  the disgruntled folk.They expect us to speak in a particular manner,dress in a particular manner and behave in a particular manner.Recently, I told one of my colleagues that I have never ever fasted in my life. She proudly told me how she was fasting since her childhood.She told me about all the many occasions when she kept her fasts. Not only that, she made fun of me and said "You don't fast,are you an adivasi?"I did not get the connection.I have no problems with her fasting so why should she have any issue with me not fasting???

People not only have their own beliefs but also expect others to have the very same beliefs.If there are people who do not share their beliefs they are labelled as rebels,non-believers and atheists.

Why do our actions have to be dictated by someone else???Why can't we decide for ourselves how we should speak,dress or behave???

I really hope there are more people who believe in themselves and are themselves instead of clones.

May their tribe increase!

Let us learn to follow our hearts instead of trying to fit  in the crowd.

Let us teach our younger ones how to think instead of what to think.

Let us become more respectful towards our differences instead of expecting everyone to be like us.

Try it yourself- Just be yourself and see how happy it makes you feel.

Har Ek (Saccha) Friend Jaroori Hota Hai

Life is full of challenges.What makes the journey of life more travellable(Yes,I know there is no such word) are the people who we meet on this journey called life.We meet all sorts of people at work and during our various tours and there are some who leave a lasting impression on us.There are some others who make our life miserable yet we realise that even they were part of our growth as they gave us lessons to learn and taught us that life is not a bed of roses,we have to deal with the thorns if we want to enjoy the roses.

Our family and extended family members cannot be chosen but our friends are chosen by us.Right from our childhood days we begin the process of making friends(our chaddi-buddies) and slowly as life progresses we realise that sometimes those old buddies friends are there but only as a reminder of our past.Each one moves forward in life and even if we don't want to we find ourselves drawn away due to distance,work priorities and other issues.As we move further in life we add on to our number of friends and at times we lose our old friends in the melee of life.

Frankly speaking,I did not have very close friends in my school as I was more of an introvert .I connected with my school friends through Facebook recently and we had a reunion.I will always regret missing on that special friendship with a school mate as I have seen some people having lasting friendship with their school mates for many years.I made some some very special friends in my building during my childhood days and I am in touch with a few of them even now though the interaction is limited only to chats on Facebook or Whatssapp and the feeds about them that I get through these social sites.It has been donkeys years since we last met as all are spread in different places around the world. Really wish we could all meet up and re-live those days of past glory, of our childhood days.

Even now I do not make friends too easily but I try my best to hold on to all my old friends and keep the friendship strong.I have seen that there are many who keep in touch with their so-called friends only for personal gains.I had a friend at my B.Ed training and we were quite close and we promised to keep in touch even after the two years of training.After that there were many occasions where I made an effort to keep in touch by calling up and planning to meet but I was not getting the needed response from that side.As usual ,thinking this to be due to work commitments and other priorities I neglected it. Slowly but surely I realised that whenever that 'friend' of mine had some personal favour to ask he called me up whereas otherwise he was totally inaccessible.In fact when he called me up the last time he asked me whether I knew the head of a particular college and when I said I did't , he said that I should have contacts with people as they can be of help when we need them.I said point blank that I don't keep in touch with people for deriving favours from them as I maintain relations called friendships and not contacts.I realized that though I considered him to be a friend, for him I was just another contact who would dole him out of problematic situations.
Guess whose name has been deleted from my cells' contact list after that???

Friendships are precious for me.Friends are for sharing our joys ,sorrows,secrets,fears and what have you. Friends make the journey of life worthwhile and make our travails more bearable.I believe that if there is a willingness, even with all the drudgeries and commitments in life we can and should make time to meet our friends.Even if distance makes meeting physically impossible, there should be an attempt to remain close together in each others hearts.I have a few very dear friends of mine who have slowly drifted apart and I am struggling to get them together again as I know that they are an important part of my life.I realise that they are busy with their lives but I really hope that they find time to re-ignite our friendship before the last spark of our friendship flickers off.At present I am doing my best to meet up with my friends and strengthen old ties and I hope I am successful.

After all,"Har Ek Friend Jaroori Hota hai!"

Sons of Shame

I just read the book 'Daughters of Shame' by Jaswinder Sanghera. It tells us many instances of the abuse meted out to women and young girls in the western world in the name of family honour. The true stories narrated are chilling and an eye-opener to the inhuman punishment prevalent even today behind closed doors of the so-called respectable people in society.It is wrong to believe that abuse and injustice towards women happens only in the lower strata of society.It is prevalent all over and it transcends all boundaries of society be it religious,economical,class ,race ,country or caste.

The book was disturbing as it was not fiction (how I wish it was) Makes me wonder how it brings dishonour or shame if a girl marries outside her caste or religion but it is commendable or right if the same daughter is brutally killed by her own family for her so-called heinous crime or action of shame?How can killing someone or forcing someone to get married be called honourable?

If girls who dare to marry outside their caste and religion are called daughters of shame (though I strongly disagree) then  the men who abuse,molest,rape and kill women are truly sons of shame.Crimes perpetuated on women,young girls and even little kids are heinous and should be strongly condemned and punished.As a woman ,I have been stared at, groped and touched innumerable times at crowded places by perverts and each time it happens, in spite of trying my best to avoid it, I feel violated .No one in their right mind wants to be stared at, groped or felt by any random person.We are definitely not asking for it and when men do it it really makes me furious.I have always raised my voice against such despicable behaviour and have taught my daughter to do the same.

Just watched the Marathi movie Duniyadari yesterday.It depicted four different love stories and the way the love stories ended.The scene etched in my mind is where the main female lead agrees to marry the boy of her fathers choice as she longs to make him happy and get his approval as she has craved for his warmth and love all through her life as she was a girl.Her father had insisted on getting his daughter aborted when he was told that his wife was carrying a girl child.The girls mother pleaded and the child grew up sans the love of her father but under the doting eye of her mother.On her wedding day the male lead,the hero,meets the girl and her father and expresses his love for her the father stoically says ,"This is why I said I did not want a girl."

Everyday we read the newspaper to find out there is a rape happening somewhere.We read about it, feel angry and then the story is lost somewhere in the deep corner of our mind.What we need are the right values to be instilled in the minds of all people,be it men or women.every human being has to be valued and respected.We have to teach about the right behaviour starting from the home front.Just fighting for severe punishment to the perpetrators of the crime is not enough.It is so easy to play the blame game and shirk away our responsibilities.

We have to make a beginning somewhere to put an end to this shame women have to go through.Let us take the first step,however small towards this much-needed change.Start with  your own family.The onus of a better tomorrow lies with us parents as our kids are generation next. Is this the world we want our precious kids to live in???

We ,in traditional Indian families take so much pride in following our religious traditions and rituals.We insist that our younger generation follows them.We teach these right from an early age.Why can't we also teach values of life from an early age?Values that have stood the test of time and that have been propagated by each and every religion.

Why can't we teach our little ones that each one,be it a girl or a boy, has to be respected?

We have to respect the opinions of others even if they are just the opposite of what we believe or think.

What we feel is right may not be so for someone else.

We have to teach our little ones to excel in the work they do and love their work as work is worship.

I am not saying that following traditions and rituals is wrong or right ,I am just saying that one should first and foremost be a worthy human being.

Teach them to work for the betterment of those around you.

Be good and do good. Do not be afraid to follow the path of Shreyah -the right path though it may be difficult.

Teach them not to follow anyone or anything blindly but to reason and question everything before they believe it.

Teach them to follow their conscience instead of following superstitions.

Do not teach your children  what to think but teach them how to think.
Teach them not to be judgmental about others but to introspect and keep changing oneself for the better.

Teach them to oppose and raise their voice against any wrong-doing and injustice boldly.
Teach them to think for themselves instead of following the herd-mentality.

Teach them to believe in themselves and creating their own destiny instead of relying on fate.

So much to teach.......

Difficult???YES!!!!

Impossible???NO!!!

So, are you game?

Are you ready to take the first step towards a positive and better society today?